You can choose to be a person who has resulted simply from what has happened, or from what you've chosen to be and do about what has happened. ~ Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations with God
The Miracle of Making Amends and Forgiveness
Earlier this week I shared with you my personal experience with emotional abuse. As with any relationship or situation, there are two sides to the story. And as such, there are at least two steps in the process of healing.
Acknowledging
I expressed in the previous post how I was belittled and betrayed by someone I loved. This is something I have rarely spoken about outside of my family, but if acknowledging it publicly helps someone recognize they are in a toxic situation, then it is worth putting out there.
The Miracle of Making Amends and Forgiveness
Earlier this week I shared with you my personal experience with emotional abuse. As with any relationship or situation, there are two sides to the story. And as such, there are at least two steps in the process of healing.
- Acknowledging the hurt and betrayal, committed by the person who harmed you, and yourself;
- Taking responsibility for your role in what eventually went wrong. Making amends, even if it's just within your own heart;
- Forgiving, which is a natural extension to taking responsibility.
Acknowledging
I expressed in the previous post how I was belittled and betrayed by someone I loved. This is something I have rarely spoken about outside of my family, but if acknowledging it publicly helps someone recognize they are in a toxic situation, then it is worth putting out there.
Taking Responsibility
Let me begin by saying that when I speak of taking responsibility, I am referring to the role of your personal power (or lack of it) in your relationship; I am NOT saying that anyone who is a survivor of verbal, emotional, physical or sexual abuse asked for it or in any way deserved the abuse --no one, under any circumstances, asks for or deserves this kind of abuse.
Taking responsibility is an enormously important step, because this is where your power lies. While it is not within your power to change how you behaved in situations past, you do have the power to change those behaviors in the future. And you have the power to make amends and to forgive yourself, which is the first step in truly moving forward. This allows the past to be left in the past, going a long way toward eliminating negative charges so you don't go through life being constantly triggered by memories of ugly things in your past. It's a process of making things less ugly.
For myself, I have discovered that not only was I socialized to believe that in order to hold on to a man, I had to diminish my self, but I am also enormously empathic. This led to me becoming very confused as to where the other person ended and I began. The beginning of any relationship is exciting simply because there are two distinct selves at play, dancing off of one another. As a woman, I naturally always longed for more togetherness. And yet, the togetherness would overtake me. When I sensed the separation, the inevitable pulling back, I would feel desperately insecure and clingy. Because in the togetherness I lost myself utterly, and when the other person wanted to pull back, they were taking my soul with them. Sounds melodramatic I know, but I also know many women who have experienced the same thing, to varying degrees.
When I blurred into the relationship, I gave up some really important parts of myself: my own sense of self-worth, my own opinions, my own dreams for my life, even my life purpose. Let me make it clear that no one asked me to give up these things. No one has a right to ask anyone to give up these things. But I gave them up without thought, they naturally fell away, and some part of me believed it was out of love.
What happens when you sell your soul like this? You begin to feel the desperation of your overdrawn bank account, and you start demanding things of those around you. I demanded, in exchange for my soul, for the other person to give me my self-worth. Which clearly cannot be done. I also started drawing back, and withdrawing the very things we are here on earth to give -- my love, trust, acceptance and support. That was my way of righting the balance, protecting myself, because I had lost the very things I needed to have in order to love fully and freely.
So I gave away all the wrong things, withheld all the wrong things, and asked for something that was impossible to give and be given. This is my mess, my deal, my part of the whole messy scenario.
When I discovered this some years ago, I decided to make amends in my heart. For various reasons, it did not make sense for me to make amends in person, but I also felt that healing this part of my life and extending that feeling outward would ultimately be healing for all involved.
Forgiving
I believe once we take responsibility for our part in any scenario, forgiveness of the other person's transgressions falls behind pretty naturally. Forgiveness is simply part of the healing process; it is something you do for you, not for them. Forgiveness requires all of you -- you cannot forgive a little. You either forgive with your whole heart, or you hold onto that victim-self, bitterness, anger, hatred or hurt, which then turns in on itself and enters your own heart. Forgiveness it is not about letting them off the hook. It is letting you off the hook. It is freeing you to move on, allowing your heart to open to new and better experiences. Forgiveness is unconditional; relationships, however, are not. It is possible to forgive someone who abused you, and also wish to never see them again. Do not withhold the gift of forgiveness, for yourself, simply because you believe holding onto it protects you from the other person. Find the strength and personal power that happens when you forgive, and use it to establish appropriate boundaries. Ultimately, you will be healed, free to open your heart, and empowered to keep yourself safe so that love can flourish and return back to a place of healing all over again.
What you do for the Self, you do for another. What you do for another you do for the Self.
This is because you and the other are one.
And this is because...
There is naught but You.
~Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations with God
Let me begin by saying that when I speak of taking responsibility, I am referring to the role of your personal power (or lack of it) in your relationship; I am NOT saying that anyone who is a survivor of verbal, emotional, physical or sexual abuse asked for it or in any way deserved the abuse --no one, under any circumstances, asks for or deserves this kind of abuse.
Taking responsibility is an enormously important step, because this is where your power lies. While it is not within your power to change how you behaved in situations past, you do have the power to change those behaviors in the future. And you have the power to make amends and to forgive yourself, which is the first step in truly moving forward. This allows the past to be left in the past, going a long way toward eliminating negative charges so you don't go through life being constantly triggered by memories of ugly things in your past. It's a process of making things less ugly.
For myself, I have discovered that not only was I socialized to believe that in order to hold on to a man, I had to diminish my self, but I am also enormously empathic. This led to me becoming very confused as to where the other person ended and I began. The beginning of any relationship is exciting simply because there are two distinct selves at play, dancing off of one another. As a woman, I naturally always longed for more togetherness. And yet, the togetherness would overtake me. When I sensed the separation, the inevitable pulling back, I would feel desperately insecure and clingy. Because in the togetherness I lost myself utterly, and when the other person wanted to pull back, they were taking my soul with them. Sounds melodramatic I know, but I also know many women who have experienced the same thing, to varying degrees.
When I blurred into the relationship, I gave up some really important parts of myself: my own sense of self-worth, my own opinions, my own dreams for my life, even my life purpose. Let me make it clear that no one asked me to give up these things. No one has a right to ask anyone to give up these things. But I gave them up without thought, they naturally fell away, and some part of me believed it was out of love.
What happens when you sell your soul like this? You begin to feel the desperation of your overdrawn bank account, and you start demanding things of those around you. I demanded, in exchange for my soul, for the other person to give me my self-worth. Which clearly cannot be done. I also started drawing back, and withdrawing the very things we are here on earth to give -- my love, trust, acceptance and support. That was my way of righting the balance, protecting myself, because I had lost the very things I needed to have in order to love fully and freely.
So I gave away all the wrong things, withheld all the wrong things, and asked for something that was impossible to give and be given. This is my mess, my deal, my part of the whole messy scenario.
When I discovered this some years ago, I decided to make amends in my heart. For various reasons, it did not make sense for me to make amends in person, but I also felt that healing this part of my life and extending that feeling outward would ultimately be healing for all involved.
Forgiving
I believe once we take responsibility for our part in any scenario, forgiveness of the other person's transgressions falls behind pretty naturally. Forgiveness is simply part of the healing process; it is something you do for you, not for them. Forgiveness requires all of you -- you cannot forgive a little. You either forgive with your whole heart, or you hold onto that victim-self, bitterness, anger, hatred or hurt, which then turns in on itself and enters your own heart. Forgiveness it is not about letting them off the hook. It is letting you off the hook. It is freeing you to move on, allowing your heart to open to new and better experiences. Forgiveness is unconditional; relationships, however, are not. It is possible to forgive someone who abused you, and also wish to never see them again. Do not withhold the gift of forgiveness, for yourself, simply because you believe holding onto it protects you from the other person. Find the strength and personal power that happens when you forgive, and use it to establish appropriate boundaries. Ultimately, you will be healed, free to open your heart, and empowered to keep yourself safe so that love can flourish and return back to a place of healing all over again.
What you do for the Self, you do for another. What you do for another you do for the Self.
This is because you and the other are one.
And this is because...
There is naught but You.
~Neale Donald Walsch, Conversations with God
