Written by Jackie Stewart for Soul Spackle's Summer of Self-Love.
Photography by Jason Smalley, www.jasonsmalley.co.uk
“Love is loving things that sometimes you don’t like.” – Ajahn Brahm
It’s a Monday evening in 1996 and I’m sitting in a church in central London with a mixture of dread and panic as hundreds of strangers start doing something I never thought I’d be asked to do in public. Something that pushes me so far out of my comfort zone I’m not even sure what my comfort zone looks like anymore. Will anyone notice if I bolt for the door?
Photography by Jason Smalley, www.jasonsmalley.co.uk
“Love is loving things that sometimes you don’t like.” – Ajahn Brahm
It’s a Monday evening in 1996 and I’m sitting in a church in central London with a mixture of dread and panic as hundreds of strangers start doing something I never thought I’d be asked to do in public. Something that pushes me so far out of my comfort zone I’m not even sure what my comfort zone looks like anymore. Will anyone notice if I bolt for the door?
Just a few seconds earlier American personal development gurus Ed and Debbie Shapiro had invited the audience to ‘Put your hand in the air if you love yourself’. The church is St James, Piccadilly where they’ve been hosting life-changing speakers from all over the world since 1982.
Hands are heading skywards all around me but I’m frozen like a rabbit in the headlights. I don’t have it in me to raise my hand without really meaning it; to lie about something so fundamental. Yet I’m terrified of the shame I’ll feel if I don’t raise my hand.
Looking deep into my soul I wonder if I can honestly reach my hand into the air and say I love myself? I raise my left arm tentatively and let it hover around half way while I nervously whisper “Well …..sometimes” to the stranger sitting next to me on the pew.
And you know, I think that’s the truth for most of us. It’s easy to love the good bits, the kind bits, the fun bits, the clever bits, the attractive bits; all the bits that fit with our notions of what’s loveable. So much harder to love the fears, the wounds, the niggles, the grumps, the dysfunctions, the insecurities and the imperfect body parts.
We set ourselves up to fail by thinking we need to be perfect to be loveable and we forget to put on the rosy coloured spectacles when we look in the mirror.
Hands are heading skywards all around me but I’m frozen like a rabbit in the headlights. I don’t have it in me to raise my hand without really meaning it; to lie about something so fundamental. Yet I’m terrified of the shame I’ll feel if I don’t raise my hand.
Looking deep into my soul I wonder if I can honestly reach my hand into the air and say I love myself? I raise my left arm tentatively and let it hover around half way while I nervously whisper “Well …..sometimes” to the stranger sitting next to me on the pew.
And you know, I think that’s the truth for most of us. It’s easy to love the good bits, the kind bits, the fun bits, the clever bits, the attractive bits; all the bits that fit with our notions of what’s loveable. So much harder to love the fears, the wounds, the niggles, the grumps, the dysfunctions, the insecurities and the imperfect body parts.
We set ourselves up to fail by thinking we need to be perfect to be loveable and we forget to put on the rosy coloured spectacles when we look in the mirror.
Our cat is 17 years old, a little bit smelly and his belly swings from side to side when he walks. I never look at him and think I’d love him more if he was a little younger, a little thinner or more fragrant.
I couldn’t love him any more, because my heart is blasted wide open with love for him just as he is. My love for him is unwavering and unconditional; it isn’t dependent on anything external. There’s nothing he could do to change the hugeness of my love for him. It just IS.
Yet I was never so unconditional when it came to myself and spent years fixating on the parts of my body I hated, wishing I looked different.
I rejected the aspects of my personality I didn’t like while I tried to be ‘a nice person’. I can be grumpy, stubborn, apathetic, terrified and love my own space more than is probably healthy. Truth is, I’m not sweetness and light all the time.
Over the years I’ve come to accept all of that and from that place of acceptance emerged joy, relief, liberation. This is me, just how I am. Perfect imperfection.
When I am simply present with however I’m feeling without judging it, my whole being feels soul-deep acceptance. My body breathes a deep slow sigh and my spirit expands.
I couldn’t love him any more, because my heart is blasted wide open with love for him just as he is. My love for him is unwavering and unconditional; it isn’t dependent on anything external. There’s nothing he could do to change the hugeness of my love for him. It just IS.
Yet I was never so unconditional when it came to myself and spent years fixating on the parts of my body I hated, wishing I looked different.
I rejected the aspects of my personality I didn’t like while I tried to be ‘a nice person’. I can be grumpy, stubborn, apathetic, terrified and love my own space more than is probably healthy. Truth is, I’m not sweetness and light all the time.
Over the years I’ve come to accept all of that and from that place of acceptance emerged joy, relief, liberation. This is me, just how I am. Perfect imperfection.
When I am simply present with however I’m feeling without judging it, my whole being feels soul-deep acceptance. My body breathes a deep slow sigh and my spirit expands.
“The art of loving yourself begins with self-acceptance. They are essentially the same. You begin loving yourself when you stop rejecting yourself.” – John Ruskan
The journey towards self-love is soul work; body-deep, spirit-lifting soul work and it doesn’t live in the mind. Self-love comes from the heart and so it is to the heart we must return to find our source of self-love. It’s when we tune into our feelings that we discover where our self-love falters.
Self-love is not something we can grasp at, affirm or try to possess. Self-love is an inner state of being; the true nature of our souls.
When you connect with your heart do you feel self-love radiating from within? Does self-love flow softly through your divine sacred body embracing every cell? Does self-love cradle the rawness of all your emotions knowing that they are what make you human? Does self-love permeate gently through the thoughts and beliefs you carry about yourself? Do you love all that you are – a beautiful soul so much greater than the sum of all your parts?
The journey towards self-love is soul work; body-deep, spirit-lifting soul work and it doesn’t live in the mind. Self-love comes from the heart and so it is to the heart we must return to find our source of self-love. It’s when we tune into our feelings that we discover where our self-love falters.
Self-love is not something we can grasp at, affirm or try to possess. Self-love is an inner state of being; the true nature of our souls.
When you connect with your heart do you feel self-love radiating from within? Does self-love flow softly through your divine sacred body embracing every cell? Does self-love cradle the rawness of all your emotions knowing that they are what make you human? Does self-love permeate gently through the thoughts and beliefs you carry about yourself? Do you love all that you are – a beautiful soul so much greater than the sum of all your parts?
I hope so. From my heart to yours, I hope so. But if you have a gnawing feeling that somewhere deep inside you there’s a place where self-love doesn’t flow then this is for you.
I’ve created a brief self-love meditation for you to use whenever you want to. You’ll settle into greater acceptance of all that you are, without judging anything as good or bad.
As you become present with your real feelings you’ll discover the truth of yourself. You’ll tap into the infinite love that you truly are - your divine nature.
Already filled with self-love? Wonderful, I am so glad. The world needs more love, please spread it wherever you go.
If Ed and Debbie Shapiro asked me that same question today my hand would be reaching much closer to the sky.
One day I think I’ll touch the stars. See you there.
I’ve created a brief self-love meditation for you to use whenever you want to. You’ll settle into greater acceptance of all that you are, without judging anything as good or bad.
As you become present with your real feelings you’ll discover the truth of yourself. You’ll tap into the infinite love that you truly are - your divine nature.
Already filled with self-love? Wonderful, I am so glad. The world needs more love, please spread it wherever you go.
If Ed and Debbie Shapiro asked me that same question today my hand would be reaching much closer to the sky.
One day I think I’ll touch the stars. See you there.
You can download the meditation to keep, here.
Viewing via email? Click here to visit the blog and listen to the meditation.
Viewing via email? Click here to visit the blog and listen to the meditation.
About Jackie:
I offer soul support combining spiritual counselling with flower and crystal essences at www.flowerspirit.co.uk and am the co-creator of the Barefoot Breathing e-course starting on 11th September at www.essenceofwild.co.uk
I’d love to meet you online:
Twitter: http://twitter.com/JSFlowerspirit
Facebook: http://facebook.com/JSFlowerspirit
I offer soul support combining spiritual counselling with flower and crystal essences at www.flowerspirit.co.uk and am the co-creator of the Barefoot Breathing e-course starting on 11th September at www.essenceofwild.co.uk
I’d love to meet you online:
Twitter: http://twitter.com/JSFlowerspirit
Facebook: http://facebook.com/JSFlowerspirit
