Mother’s Day again. The 8th Mother’s Day since my mother passed; and the first since my father’s death which is significant, too. Being an orphan on Mother’s Day, yet not a mother.
Here’s a truth:
Everyone -- even mothers -- needs to be mothered.
No one is exempt from this need.
And in this there is good news: we are always being held by our Mother, whether we are standing, walking, or sleeping; whether we are aware of it or not. Whether we rest into her, or not.
I am a human being. An imperfect person, a work-in-progress.
Sometimes this being human causes my clean pain* (the direct pain of actual suffering in life from events over which I have no control) bumps up against my dirty pain (pain caused by thoughts and judgments heaped onto my experience, which is something I can learn to control). Dirty pain isn't necessary, but it is common to humans because of a thing called consciousness run by a funny little beast called the brain.
I've been wallowing in my grief and depression for a while. Perhaps even marinating in it.
As a first phase in processing The Hard Stuff, wallowing is actually pretty good. Although marinating in your discontent gets a bad rap, from my experience and perspective, it is perfectly acceptable to do just this when you are grieving or otherwise experiencing a Shitty Circumstance.
So, yes, wallowing is good. Until one day, it isn't.
This post was originally shared in the October Museletter. Are you signed up? Museletter subscribers get exclusive content, first dibs on freebies and additional chances to enter giveaways! Sign up here!“The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.”
That’s how the saying goes, and I have always loved it; but I am thinking now what it means in relation to A Course in Miracles
But the world carries so much hurt of its own, it needs your warrior's heart, wide open.
The world needs your truth. Demands your truth. Can survive on nothing less.
The world needs the gifts you bring, the ones you are hiding behind some buried shame.
The words are there but you are terrified to speak them; I was once just like you.
You think no one could possibly understand. But someone somewhere does.
Someone somewhere is struggling with the same exact thing. Someone else's heart is breaking.
Break the silence and you don't just heal yourself; you heal us all.
If you can't grab a friend or regale a stranger, put your pen in hand. Let it all out.
Don't hold back. Now is not the time to stop the flow.
Declare your heart's manifesto; pump your fist in the air and swear never to shut your heart again.
Swear you will always seek the smallest seed of courage in the face of your fear. Promise you will always try.
Remember your face when you were two, three, four. Do it for her; and ask for more.
She deserves the world; give it to her, one day at a time. Feed the child in your soul with all your love and all your heart and tear down the walls to let it all in. The tender-hearted are resilient, strong; hearts broken scar over and grow, grow, grow; walled hearts shrivel and die.
Love sews up broken hearts with magical golden thread; but you only get this magic if you're willing to be broken. Take off your mask and your bullet-proof vest. Be willing to step out beyond the edge, trusting in the uncertainty.
Life is a mystery, no single moment beyond now is guaranteed. Walk fully into it anyway.
You are a warrior. Let that truth shine a light into your darkest corners. Gather your strength, rise up.
Every day greet the world and write your manifesto across the hearts of those you meet. With a touch. With a smile. With the truth.
(To quote John Mayer) say what you need to say.
Your heart needs to speak, and someone's heart is aching to hear it.
You have taken the first steps to freedom. And once you've tasted freedom, you are always free, whether in your whole being or in the smallest part of you.
You are a warrior, you cannot be caged. Love rushes in to raise up your courageous heart.
I know life hurts sometimes. I know you want to hide. I know you want to stay quiet while words war inside your heart and head.
Give up the striving. Stop the need to be smaller, smarter, softer (in all the right places), firmer (in all the others), faster.. stop needing to be anything other than what I am right now. Do we ever sit still long enough to find out who this person is? Without squinting with digust and slapping a label of "Before" on our current image of self, while knee-deep in the striving toward the image of "After"?
My word for 2012 may be Yes, but a lot of those Yeses need a counter-balancing No.
I guess I am still being a bit of a New Year's rebel. Instead of fixing my life, I find myself really wanting to savor it.
Image adapted by me from the original by Mike Fischer (click image for source).
This year my chosen word is Yes, and I expect I shall be writing about it frequently. Yes encompasses, for me, the words Receive, Open, Fearless, Freedom and Courage. It also takes under its wing my previous Words of the Year, Self-Love and Surrender.
It is a natural progression. It is big and bold. It is an affirmation of life itself.
Dad, Frankfurt, Germany, 1952. He served there as part of the CIA during the Korean War.
perfect way. Namely, my bed had to be made and my sink shiny. My plans for the year ahead (including resolutions, which I gave up a few years ago and replaced with a Word of the Year) had to be firmly in place.
But I've learned that this type of superstition is a form of control, and I'm learning, slowly, how to surrender control.
For years I was fixated on starting my New Year the
photo from morguefile.com, edited with text added by me, free to use as you like!
I decided to take the plunge and publicly reflect on the year we're leaving behind. Let's face it, I've never been one to hold my cards close to the vest, at least not as far as this blog is concerned. My barn burned down. Again and again. 2011, well.. it's been equally hard and beautiful. I am so grateful. And if I'm honest I'll admit that much of the beauty of 2011 came as a direct result of the barn-fires. Clearly poet Masahide was on to something.
This was a fabulous exercise in retraining the mind to see the good. I can easily rattle off all that I've lost, or all that went wrong, yet it is much harder to recall what's been accomplished.. that's just how we're wired
. But it is a worthy effort nonetheless. Here is a collection of my 2011 "I Did It!"s, both personally and blog-wise.Soul Spackle got re-designed from scratch, changing from this to this.. and in June I re-launched it with 10 days of giveaways and the blog series Summer of Self-Love!
Well, I did it.
I wrote, designed and released two ebooks, Unapologetically Whole and Tell Your Soul Story, the latter being part of the Goddess Circle's 30 Days of Goddess ecourse (Pssst! You can get it for free by signing up for my Museletter). I played with art journaling and collage composition via 21 Secrets, The Elements of Art Journaling and Composition for Collage with Claudine Hellmuth, and had so much fun!
Her Goddess Nature collage, Sara Thibault
I told a difficult truth -- one bound up with shame -- in a circle of women and was witnessed and healed.
My Museletter went out monthly, starting in July!
And I blogged fairly regularly, honing my writing, strengthening my voice and being less afraid of the emotional and often sentimental tone of my writing.
I contributed guest posts for An Empowered Life
, Moonlight Muse
, The Spiral and the Lotus
and .. I did a Soul Work interview
with Jo of Crafting the Sacred
which appeared on her blog just this month!
Finally got off of my acid reducer -- the last pharmaceutical to get kicked to the curb! (HOLY YES!)
I followed my spirit's directives much more often, sometimes not even pausing to ask "How the eff am I going to do THAT?"
31 Days of Soul Medicine
I took the time to nurture my friendships, new and old. I am so grateful for my spirit sisters who have proven themselves to be true friends in such a short time, and to those who have remained loyal and true despite not having the luxury of regular communication.. I carry you in my heart.
I completed one enormously fruitful and fulfilling year of being a mentor in the Goddess Circle.
I navigated the subway alone!
Learned some hard and painful truths about myself and those around me. I got really clear about what's mine and what isn't mine, and with lessons in hand, clarified my own intentions about what kind of business person and person
I want to be this lifetime.
I uncovered a major pattern of control stemming from my childhood
and started an enormous healing process for my family soul.
Had revelation after revelation about how I have let fear run my life, and I'm not going to do it anymore.
(More on this in the New Year).
I launched my free e-course,
Patti Smith in Paris, nabbed from her book, Just Kids.
I contributed to a writing anthology!
I enjoyed amazing music, television and books! (Top picks: Florence and the Machine, Ceremonials
; The Walking Dead
; Just Kids
by Patti Smith)I wrote my way through difficult times.I completed a training program in MS Office and QuickBooks. Offered guidance, proofreading, editing and design skills while trying to figure out my own personal business goals.. which was great fun!I committed to the ever-evolving "project" of re-connecting to Nature wherever I am. Good grief.. or should I say.. Holy Wow!
Thank you, 2011. Time now to "Shake It Out"
, it's hard to dance with a devil on your back...
This is part of a series called 31 Days of Soul Medicine. To sign up for the daily emails, click here. You can dip into each post and apply the medicine, but the best way to approach the work is to read through the first three days, which are the foundation. To get caught up: